We would never tell anyone not to travel. We’re a travel website after all. It wouldn’t make sense for us to tell everyone that they should just stay home. But in the case of the places listed below, you would be wise to avoid going to any of them.
If here you find a place that you love, or is on your bucket list, please don’t take it personally. Many of the places on the list are there because of a bad experience had by someone on our team, other places are on the list because we’ve heard bad things, and a very high number of the places on the list are there because it’s funny (to us anyway).
If you think of any places we’ve missed, let us know in the comments. Or, if you think we’ve put something on the list erroneously, let us know about that too.
Without further delay, here is the list:
- Branson, Mo. This is an acceptable destination only if you are over the age of 65 and you’ve given up on life.
- Circus, Circus on the Las Vegas Strip. This is the Wal-Mart of casinos. Just don’t do it. It’s wall-to-wall people with babies in strollers.
- The Popeye’s in New Orleans, ’cause it served my friend Jenny raw chicken nuggets.
- A men’s bathroom in a bar. Enough said
- Applebees. Riblets are not a real cut of meat.
- Dollywood. It makes Branson look tolerable. I guess you can go if you’re taking you’re grandma, but for no other reason.
- Chicago’s Navy Pier
- North Dakota. The only place that can make South Dakota seem exciting.
- The Giant Island of Plastic, Floating in the Pacific Ocean
- The Criss Angel Believe Show. It might be good if you go drunk, but I can’t say for sure. Wait, yes I can… it’s not.
- The Creation Museum.
- Kansas. The entire state is no good, it is exactly equal distance too far away from the Pacific and the Atlantic.
- The World of Coca-Cola in Atlanta. Why would you pay to walk through an advertisement for a medicinal drink that no longer has the medicine?
- That Six Flags where someone’s feet got chopped off. No roller coaster is worth losing your feet.
- The boot heel of Missouri, southern Georgia, and anywhere in Alabama. They’re all the same place, and it’s a place you don’t want to be. Unless you own a truck. And a pit bull. And at least 12 t-shirts with cut-off sleeves. Also, your truck needs to have a gun rack.
- Suburban malls. Unless you want a middle-aged, bleached blonde Luis Vuitton toting psycho in a white Hummer to run you down in the parking lot ‘cause you’re blocking her way to the Gucci outlet.
- The World’s Largest Bass Pro Shop, Springfield MO. It is even less impressive than it sounds.
- LA Traffic. Avoid at all Costs! Anywhere Near Los Angeles, if you are in a Car
- Tierra Santa (Buenos Aires). This is basically a giant outdoor Jesus advertisement with Jesus through the years models made of Styrofoam and a freakishly huge Jesus that pops out of a cave every 30 minutes. Unless you feel like say Hail Marys for the rest of your life, keep away from this creepy sacrilegious park.
- Key West. It is extremely crass!
- A customer service call center. There is really no telling what kind of blood bath might ensue.
- Streaking through the quad. Unless you know there is a large crowd following you.
- A baby seal hunt
- Scuba Diving with Sharks. Even if you are in one of those cages. The best possible outcome is you don’t lose a limb.
- Mianus, Connecticut. Nobody is mature enough to handle that one.
- Twin Pines Mall in Hill Valley. Unless you either wear a bulletproof vest or own a time machine. Lone Pine Mall is OK.
- Through Donner Pass. Especially during winter.
- Walmart. Don’t even go to the people of Walmart website. It’s just depressing.
- Near the Coast of Somalia. You’ll get pirated!
- Arctic Circle ice fishing hole. All the boredom of regular fishing plus frostbite and hypothermia.
- Inside the Lion Exhibit at the Zoo. They will literally tear your face off.
- Area 51. Rest assured the aliens will get you or the Government will. Either way you won’t be seen again.
- The Titanic… Unsinkable. On any ship that claims it is “unsinkable.” That ship is just asking for it.
- The Death Road. It’s called the Death Road for a reason.
- Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. How is that not part of Wisconsin?
- Graceland. You’ll hate yourself for weeks if you even drive past it.
- Badlands National Park. It just sounds bad.
- Disney World. Unless you actually have kids. Otherwise, what are you doing with your life?
- The Mariana Trench. It’s really deep, and scientists agree it could be the source of all nightmares.
- East St. Louis. Don’t even think about it, it’s not as nice as you’ve heard.
- Iowa. The entire state. Well, you can run in and check out the set of Field of Dreams, but that’s it.
- Colonial Williamsburg. Because it’s Colonial Williamsburg.
- Gary, Indiana. We hate that effing song.
- Anywhere between Reno and Vegas. Seriously… the hills have eyes.
- Ross – We’ve never gone in this store, but we can’t imagine that going there would be a pleasant experience.
- A Hardees that’s across from an In and Out Burger. You know they’ve never sold a thing.
- Paramount King’s Island in Ohio. Cedar Point is a couple hours away… make the right choice.
- Neverland Ranch. Word.
- Basically Avoid all of Tornado Alley… of course I live there.
- The Sahara Desert. It’s really hot. And dry. And sandy. Exception made for camels.
- The World’s Largest Frying Pan. It’s in Iowa. I’m sorry.
- The DMZ. The one between the Koreas, but really any DMZ is probably good to avoid.
- Exit ramps in rural towns. Chances are that hand-painted gas station sign is not legit.
- The Path of a Tornado. If you’ve seen the movie Twister, you’ve seen enough. Get in a freaking basement already! Bill Paxton’s belt can’t save you.
- Frat Parties. Unless you’re into guys with highlights and the chance of waking up next to them.
- Colonia, Uruguay. It’s just like any other creepily quiet, small-town except it has a river beach. Save your money and get a cabin by the lake- equally as boring for a fraction of the price.
- North Korea. It’ll be like entering the plot of 1984 and never being able to escape.
- McDonald’s Bathroom in Downtown Chicago on St. Patrick’s Day. I’ll just say that when I was there, people were discussing whether or not to use the drain in the floor.
- Wherever “There” happens to be. As referenced in the phrase “Don’t go there.”
- Anywhere the show Ghost Adventures has gone. Not because there are ghosts, but just because that show is incredibly lame.
- The Back of a Rusted out Van.
- The Front of a Rusted out Van.
- Anywhere near a Rusted out Van. Especially if the owner is offering free candy.
- Stuckey’s.
- Dubai. Something about that city just isn’t right.
- MySpace.com. There’s really just no excuse for it anymore–stop clinging. Move on.
- Waffle House. Get yourself an Eggo. You’ll be glad you did.
- A Rave. No, glow-sticks and techno music aren’t cool.
- Anywhere Guy Fieri has gone. He’s a douchebag.
- Greenland. They think they can trick you into believing it isn’t freezing cold thereby putting “Green” in the name.
- Any Restaurant that has an Eating Challenge. Quantity is not the same as quality.
- Into the Darkness to Inspect a Strange Noise. You won’t be coming back.
- Outer Mongolia. If you’ve seen Inner Mongolia you’ve seen it all.
- Aurora, Illinois. It is nothing like the way it is depicted in Wayne’s World. Denied.
- A Sushi Restaurant With No Customers. If they aren’t selling much fish, then the fish they are selling isn’t fresh.
- A Soccer Stadium Where they Separate the Crowd from the Field with a Fence. That’s a crowd you don’t want to be in. They have road flares and they aren’t afraid to use them.
- Roswell, New Mexico. See number 32
- A Storage Auction. If you’ve seen the TV shows about storage auctions, you get it. If you haven’t seen the shows, just take my word on this one.
- A Highway Rest Stop After Dark.
- Le Cordon Bleu Cooking School. Their commercials indicate that they might be able to teach you how to make toast.
- Kay Jewelers. There is no way to prove it, but I’m pretty sure the open heart’s collection is the purest form of evil that exists.
- Jared. Especially if you are a man. You don’t want anyone talking about how you went there. You’ll never live it down.
- Near a Coral Reef. Marine Biologists seem to agree that coral reefs are really important, and just looking at them the wrong way could kill them. Better just stay away.
- A NASCAR Race. If you want to watch cars go in a circle for several hours just get out your old slot car track.
- Lake Superior. Elitism sickens me, especially in bodies of water. Go to Lake Michigan instead, it is much less conceited.
- Canada‘s Northwest Territories. I’m pretty sure nobody lives there. There must be a reason.
- The Corn Palace. Too much risk of a bird attack.
- The Cracker Barrel. They will make you wait in the gift shop for at least 15 minutes even if every table is open.
- Tebbetts, Missouri. It’s not really a town, they basically just named a picnic table.
- Anywhere listed on the State Department list of Travel Warnings.
- Into an Active Volcano. Liquid hot magma will ruin your day. If you saw Dante’s Peak you learned that lesson.
- Into a Mine. The best possible outcome is you get out and don’t have black lung. There is seriously no upside.
- A Sausage Factory. Sausage is delicious, but you don’t want to see it being made.
- Chasing Waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.
- The Salton Sea. It has really gone to hell since the 1950s.
- The Basement of the Alamo. It doesn’t exist.
- Liechtenstein. When it takes longer to pronounce a country’s name than it takes to walk across it, you know something is awry.
- The Maginot Line. Just go through Belgium and blow right by it.
- Isla Nublar. Only Jeff Goldblum consistently gets out alive.
- The La Brea Tar Pits. It’s ok to visit the museum, just don’t actually go into the tar.
- The Bermuda Triangle.
